Kinda Love
by kazma.kay
Summary: Collection of letters between Dana and Logan.  Basically, it's a DL.  T to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

Kinda Love

Disclaimer: I don't own Zoey 101

June 9

Dear Dana,

It's been so long. Really long actually. How have you been I guess? I'm not really sure how to talk to you. I haven't seen you in almost 7 years. I just kinda stated the obvious. Sorry... I think. Um. How was France? Did you like school there? We never really heard anything from you after you left. Everyone took it kinda hard. Especially me. Not that I'm trying to make you feel bad or anything. We just missed you. I guess that's what I'm trying to say.

Did you go end up going to college? You always talked about going someplace far away. I always just assumed that you ended up going to college somewhere in France. I bet it's great there. I hope you enjoyed yourself._  
><em>I tried calling you several times, but you're number was disconnected...and when I would call your parent's house to try and see if you got a new number, no one ever answered. You never really answered your e-mails either...So when Zoey gave me this address of where she thought you were I decided that it was time for me to write.

I really hope that we can have a chance to meet up sometime. I've really missed you. I just hope that you haven't forgotten any of us from PCA.

To be honest. I really hoped that you would've come back to PCA for Senior year, or even come back just to visit. I remember we always talked about running off after we graduated and just driving around until we found a place where we would want to stop. I kinda miss those days. Just the two of us, being crazy teenagers. It almost felt like love to me.

We were together for quite a while weren't we? It feels like such a long time ago, but almost like yesterday. I remember having to keep it a secret that we were together, which was fun for everyone. Having to keep is from our roommates, even though they clearly knew something was up. I'm sorry again. I don't mean to be bring up old memories. It's just that's all that I have of us...old memories, fun times together. And then one day you were just gone. I was heartbroken.

And worst of all, I couldn't find it in myself to be mad at you. Actually I was more mad ay myself than anything. I knew you always talked about leaving, I felt that if I was stronge enough, kind enough, loving enough that maybe that would make you stay. But when you actually left, packed up all of your things and were out, it felt like a slap in the face. That I hadn't done what I could to keep you safe, to keep you with me. And being the coward I was, I didn't go after you. I was afraid. Afraid that you left because you no longer wanted anything to do with me. That you wanted space, time away from me. And that hurt because I loved you. At least that's what it felt like for me. You were the only person I had ever cared for so deeply.

There are so many reasons that I'm writing to you. And I can't tell which is the one that is most important, or which is the reason that I want to give you. More than anything I want to see you, but I don't want to put that kind of pressure on you. I don't want to be the one to hold you down to something like that.

If that's not good enough of a reason to write to you, then it's because I want to make sure you're still out there somewhere. That you are still...alive. I don't exactly know if that's the right word to use. I'm half hoping that you don't ever read this letter, simply because I feel like I'm pouring out my heart and knowing both sides of you, you would either laugh at my stupidity and throw this away or you'd think it was sweet and maybe even write back. It's hard to tell though because clearly, people change.

It's hard for me to get everything that I'm feel down on paper. I feel like I keep back tracking and then I'm stuck. See, stuff like that doesn't even make sense. In all, I suppose I just miss you. And am in desperation to know what you're doing. To know who you're friends with. What you do for a living. How you go about your day. I'm curious. And even after all these years apart, I've still never felt like this.

I feel like I need to keep apologizing. My main purpose was not to sit here and write about...well everything that it seems I've been writing about. Besides from me hoping that you won't get this letter, I know that I have to send it because attached is an invitation to PCA's reunion. It was debatable whether or not to invite you because you didn't graduate from here…but Zoey and I decided that it would be best if you came. And we all hope that you do.

I wanted this letter to be easy going. But I fear that I came off a little too straight forward. But you know me. And that just seems to be how I am.

Write me back?

Much love,  
>Logan<em><em>


	2. Chapter 2

Kinda Love

July 10  
>Dear Logan,<p>

I am sorry. For everything. But currently, I am sorry that is has taken me so long to write you back. I've been trying to gather the strength and the courage to put down what I'm going to say into words.

I won't lie to you, when I went to check the mail and saw that I had received a letter from you, my heart skipped a beat and I was almost unable to comprehend what you had written to me. I had to read your letter maybe 5 times before I realized what you were actually saying to me.

I feel like I should dive in to my current situation, or life, if you will before I address what happened in the past. And why I gave no explanation to…then.

Clearly, the address that Zoey gave you is the right one, considering I got your letter and the invitation for the reunion. (Which I haven't decided if I'm going to go to or not.) The thing that I am really curious to know is how Zoey found out where I was living in the first place. I specifically chose this place knowing that people would probably not suspect me to live here. I was almost hoping that no one would find me. I don't feel like explaining that though.

I'm a guidance counselor, believe it or not. I still don't understand why exactly I took the job. I've never liked kids and they always find a way to piss me off. But I suppose I have compassion, or sympathy, or whatever you want to call it for some of the teenagers here.

France…I'm going to get on a more personal lever here. France was a mistake. I only went for a semester and then I came back. Only instead I enrolled in public school near my family. There are tedious details that I'm not going to get into, yet. But I fear that I'm not the same girl that you once knew…or at least I'm trying hard not to be.

If you can't tell, I'm trying my hardest to answer to your letter on a more professional level. I keep writing things by accident and then having to go back and erase them. I feel like if I'm not careful then I'll tell you what I'm really thinking. And that wouldn't be good for me. You know me as well; I don't like to get caught up in my emotions. I guess all I can really say in response to what you told me is 'diddo'…?

I can see that this is getting me nowhere. I left PCA in confusion and to this day I am still confused. My reason for leaving was…personal, I suppose. And I felt that it was better for no one else to know but me, not even my parents. I was going to take matters into my own hands and see what happened.

I tried my hardest to forget everything that we had together, thinking that in time you would forget all about me, but I can see that that never happened. I should have never left, but at the time, I thought that it was the right thing to do considering…the circumstances.

I hope that someday you can forgive you. My leaving wasn't necessarily your fault; there wasn't anything that you could've done to keep me. I left all on my own accord and that was that. Hopefully, we will see each other again soon. I miss you too.

It's crazy to think that we once had something so crazy, almost like love, together. Like we almost had each other. I know it's probably hard to understand what I am saying. I guess for the most part what I want to tell you is: not yet.

I hope you understand what that means. I don't know how much else to explain it.

Please write to me again & don't be too angry with me.

Love,  
>Dana<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

Kinda Love

July 15  
>Dear Dana,<p>

I am just pleasantly surprised that you wrote me back at all. After about a week and a half of waiting, I almost gave up. I assumed that you either didn't get it or just didn't want anything to do with me. When I saw that you had wrote back to be I was thrilled. And almost couldn't believe it.

I have to be honest again and say that the last few paragraphs of your letter…they did confuse me. Extremely. I'd really like to know what you meant by it all. The reason for you leaving PCA most of all. And the reason for why you don't want people to know where you are now.

You were only in France for a semester? That really shocks me. And to think that I thought you'd been there for years. You still amaze me.

Compared to the letter you wrote me I feel as if my first letter was overbearing. I didn't mean to make things awkward for you, I only felt like you needed to know how I feel. And I'm sorry if you don't feel the same. I don't want to tie you down, you know that. I could never restrain you like that.

I really do hope that you will come to the PCA reunion though. I'm hoping to see you there and catch up. Get to know each other all over again, that is, if you have really changed like you say you have. I think deep down you are still the same Dana and always will be.

I think I understand what you mean by 'not yet', but I can't be sure. So I'll just assume that I'm right…like usual.

I'd like you to know…no, I need you to know that I was never angry with you. I forgave you as soon as you left. I knew that you did was you thought was right, whatever the circumstances were. I could never be angry with you about that. I was hurt though, which to me is a completely different thing. I was upset and hurt and lonely. I felt abandoned, like I was losing. That's what I couldn't stand. I couldn't wallow like I wanted to though. I knew I had to stay strong, or else…well, or else the rest of the gang would have caught on.

Speaking of the rest of them. Do you talk to any of them? At all? Letter, e-mail, phone calls? I live decently close to Chase and Zoey…I don't know if you knew this, but they're engaged…and living together. Which I mean, everyone expected them to end up together. It was basically a no brainer. I'd say I could drive and get to their house in about half an hour. Lola, Nicole, and Michael…well I don't talk to Lola or Nicole much. Last I heard, Lola was still somewhere in California, acting or modeling…whatever it was that she did. And Nicole, I think, lives somewhere on the other side of the U.S. North Carolina was it? I talk to Michael on the phone every now and then and I even visited him last spring. He lives in Dallas, Texas; the weather is great there's of course. He's tried more than once to convince me to move there. But I'm too content with Colorado to want to move.

I forgot to mention that didn't I? That I live in Colorado. Although you probably gathered that from the mailing address. I'm a ski instructor here, doesn't pay extremely well, but I love it. And it gets my dad off my back whenever the subject of a career comes up. I enjoy it all the same. My dad is still big in the movie business, and still feels like he needs to pay for everything I own…his way of making up for missing most of my childhood I suppose.

I really hope to hear more from you.

Looking forward to your next letter.

Much love,  
>Logan<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

Kinda Love

July 18  
>Dear Logan,<p>

Thankfully, for you, this letter is coming a lot quicker than the last.

I am so relieved to hear that you are not upset with me. That is a huge weight taken off of my shoulders. Just knowing that…I am satisfied.

I actually had no idea where any of them were. Zoey, Chase, Michael, Lola, Nicole. What about Quinn? What on earth ever happened to her?

I assumed as much with Zoey and Chase. They were practically meant for each other. It killed everyone not seeing them together. When did it finally happen? I'd love to hear. I often feel like I should keep in contact with them sometimes. But I feel like it's just better if I only talk to you. It makes me feel safer that way. Besides…you said that Zoey gave you my address, if she wanted to speak with me, all she'd have to do is pick up a pen and some paper and there ya go.

There was only one other time that I had talked to any of you guys. I had been in France for about a week or two and it was killing me. I honestly didn't know who to talk to and I missed all of you guys like crazy. So I called Chase. I explained everything to him. He knows every reason for why I left. He was basically my shoulder to cry on. I don't want you to be upset about that though. I was still a teenager then. If I knew what I knew now, then you would have been the first person I would have talked to about…well, everything. Also, for my sake, please don't ask Chase. Please? I'd rather you didn't hear anything from him. If I am ever given the chance then I would like more than anything to tell you myself…in person.

Change of subject now…Ski instructor? Well that definitely pays better than my job. Don't you ever get any cougars…ya know, looking for something to do? So they find and hot ski guy (a.k.a. you) and then pull out all the stops. If you have any stories then please, do tell. Seriously. I could use something to laugh about right now.

I bet Colorado is beautiful. I'd love to visit there sometime. Compared to here…Indiana sure is quite. I always find myself looking for things to do.

Write back soon.

Love,  
>Dana<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

Kinda Love

July 23

Dear Dana,

I love going to check my mail now, knowing that among all the bills and junk mail there's bound to be a letter from you. I hope that doesn't sound too incredibly sappy. I just like knowing that you're out there, waiting to hear from me.

Quinn...well. No one really knows where Quinn is. After PCA she left to go to college, took some job and then practically fell off the face of the Earth. No one has heard from her since graduation. We don't even know if she's...alive. She was just gone...kinda like you. But a part of me always knew that you were somewhere out there living a normal life. Quinn, being so...no normal, we can't be to sure with her. For all we know one of her whack-job experiments blew her up...not that I would wish that upon her, it's just a theory.

Zoey and Chase...you want the details...okay let's see if I can remember this correctly. This is probably something that you would have to ask her about, she could tell it better considering it happened to her. After you left to France, there was a mix up...Zoey went off to London. We all knew that she'd come back the next year, or semester, he parent's just wanted her to try it out there I suppose. Well, Chase, being his odd self, decided that he couldn't last that long with out her so he was going to go to London as well. Turns out as Chase was going to, Zoey was coming from. She was coming back to PCA...suddenly realizing that she didn't want to be away from Chase. So the whole thing was pretty crazy.

On top of that, you can only imagine how Chase felt, arriving in London and then realizing that Zoey left just hours before. I think I just got off topic...Where was I...okay. So it took some time, but finally Chase was coming back to PCA. He planned this whole thing. He was going to throw some sort of surprise party for Zoey to celebrate his coming back home and them being able to be together. The only thing that no one bothered to mention to Chase was that Zoey started dating another guy why he was in London. So the whole party just sort of blew up in his face. Zoey misunderstood it completely and thought that it was a party thrown by her new boyfriend. It wasn't until much later that night that she found out that Chase had returned. She was shocked, but kinda avoided him all night, not sure what she was going to say to him.

Fortunately...or unfortunately, how ever you want to look at it...Zoey saw her new boyfriend making out with some other girl that night. Later she also found out that he had tried hitting on Lola and Nicole. Of course Zoey was angry, but from my point of view she also seemed relieved. Then she caught up with Chase, explained, and then things just moved forward from there.

As for their engagement, they haven't told me how it happened...at least not yet. I think they're saving it as a story for the reunion. Which by the way is coming up in a few weeks. You need to make up your mind if you are going to come to it or not...I really hope that you decide to though. I'd love to have the chance to see you.

As a ski instructor...cougars...? Try everyday of my life. The ladies never leave me alone! But I mean, how can you blame them. I'm pretty much irresistible. It's not just the older women either, I've got all the girls on the slopes coming after me. It gets pretty tiring at times.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Much Love,  
>Logan<p> 


	6. Chapter 6

Kinda Love

July 27  
>Dear Logan,<p>

I'm sorry, but that's terrifying! Why hasn't anyone bothered to look for Quinn? I mean, what if she really is gone? I know she was extremely weird at PCA, and quite frankly, she scared me half to death, and I didn't really like her very well…wait, are those all the reasons why no one has bothered looking for her? Maybe I understand then…Moving on…

Logan, you are still your same old self! Now that you say that I bet no girls ever hit on you!

The story between Zoey and Chase sounds like something that would happen to them. Gosh, I really do miss them…Suddenly, this whole reunion is sounded better and better every time you mention it. I just…I don't know what I'm afraid of.

I'm more worried about the reaction I'll get once I'm there. It's complicated.

I told you the reasons why I left PCA were on my own account and personal. And in a way had to do with you, but weren't really your fault… I'm scared of what you might so once you find out.

Then again, you are an adult now, I don't see why it's a big deal anymore…

See, now you've got me rambling. Oh Logan, the things you do to me.

And then when I start saying stuff like that, the old Dana kicks me in the shins, screaming. She doesn't want me to think that way. She wants me to hold on to all of my problems.

I really need to see a therapist or something…wait, I'm a guidance counselor. Oh boy.

OKAY, moving on.

You have to know Logan, I DO miss you, very much.

And I miss not being with you.

I miss holding on to every word you said to me.

I miss feeling every kiss you gave me.

I miss every one of your touches.

And all I can say is I'm sorry for letting it all go.

And I'm sorry for letting you down.

Being a teenager is dumb; it makes you feel empowered with your life when all you really have are a lot of emotions and hormones to deal with. It's completely mental.

I'm putting a lot of thought into the PCA reunion, that's what you need to know now. And I'm really looking forward to the next letter that I get from you.

I miss you

Love,  
>Dana<p> 


End file.
